


Bye, Felicia

by thelonebamf



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Chatting & Messaging, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 18:40:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelonebamf/pseuds/thelonebamf
Summary: When Peter ends up with the wrong number after a date gone wrong, the last person he expects to talk to is the oddly charming (and grandpa obsessed) Wade Wilson.





	Bye, Felicia

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea while half asleep and decided to try my hand at a dialogue-only fic, and see how much I could convey through conversation alone. It was a fun experiment. :) Thanks again to the peeps on "Isn't it Bromantic" for being great encouragement as always.

>> Hey Felicia, it's Peter. Just wanted to tell you again what a great time I had last night. Looking forward to hanging out again sometime. Hope you're having a great night.

 

//New Phone. Who Dis

 

>>Haha. Classic.

 

//No Srsly, who is this

 

>> Peter? Peter Parker? We met last night at Sheena's bar? I told you I'd call but my friend Harry said only grandpas use their phones as phones anymore so...

 

//LOL

//Harry has a point

 

>> Ha. Yeah. Guess so.

>> Um.

>> So would you like to meet up again sometime? I had a lot of fun chatting with you. Doesn't have to be the weekend, if you're busy. I'm flexible.

 

//Oh I bet you are, Petey.

 

>>... Uh

>> Oh. Ha. Good one.

 

// Unfortunately for you, I got some bad news.

 

>> You've got a boyfriend? Er... girlfriend? Special person?

 

// Special person??

//OMG Pete UR too CUTE

//But no

 

>> Oh well... I totally get it if you're busy. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate most of the time. Feel free to give me a call whenever, though.

>> Or... no wait, don't.

>> Because of the Grandpas.

 

//OMG Are you even for real?

//No dude, that's not it

// Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think your girly accidentally gave you the wrong number

 

>> Oh.

>> I see.

>> Yeah...

>> An accident

>> Yeah that kind of thing happens all the time, I get it.

>> Sorry for bothering you

>> I'm just going to go um... crawl under my bed and die for a little while

 

//Aw, Petey no!

//You're not the first person to get a bum number from a lovely lady, believe me.

  


//Pete?

 

//Peter?

 

//Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

//Pete

//Pete

//Pete

 

//omg you know when you write a word too many times and it stops looking like a word

//it's totally happening

//Pete

//im there

//hello random assortment of letters

  


>>Semantic satiation

 

//Say what now?

 

>>That's what it's called when a word or phrase starts to lose meaning

>> It's a well documented phenomenon

 

// Well heck Petey

// Cute AND a genius?

//Be still my heart

 

>> Ha ha.

 

// No seriously

// If it had been me in the bar, I would never have given you fake digits

// Hell I probably would have scooped you up and taken you home that night!

 

>> Oh really

 

// Yah RLY

 

>> You don't even know what I look like

 

// Doesn't matter, cute is cute

// I don't make the rules

 

>> Something tells me you don't have a lot of respect for rules to begin with

 

// Aw, Petey!

// It's like you already know me!

 

>> I can't imagine that's even remotely true.

>> I don't even know your name

 

// It's Wade.

// Wade Winston Wilson if you're nasty

 

>> Wade is fine.

 

// Oh you.

// So who is this girl who let a catch like you slip out of her finely manicured hands?

 

>> How did you know she had a manicure?

 

// I can just tell. She seems like the type.

// Am I wrong?

 

>> Uh, no.

>> One of the first things I noticed, actually.

>> All shiny and filed into sharp points

>> Like a cat's claws

 

// I knew it!!!!!!!!

// I am an excellent judge of character, Pete

 

>> Are you, now?

 

// MMHMM

// And I can say with utmost confidence that you dodged a big old shiny bullet right there.

// Girl like that, fancy name, fancy nails, willing to break your heart but not willing to be honest about it?

// She's no good for a sweet boy like you.

 

>> ...

>> Somehow...

>> I get the feeling you might actually be right about that.

 

// WELL YEAH

// How'd you two meet, anyway?

 

>> Uh.

>> It's a little embarassing

 

// Blind date? Set up by both your grandmas?

// No wait don't tell me...

// You were her mail order Russian husband!

 

>> What??? No!

>> Is that even a thing???

 

// Probably. IDK Never looked into it

// SOoooooooooooooo?

 

>> It was just... a dating app thing.

 

// PSSH. That's not embarrassing

// Pete it's the 21st century

// 5 out of 6 marriages start out online

 

>> I'm sure that's not true

 

// Okay maybe I have exaggerated just a little

// Or maybe you ARE a grandpa

// That's okay though

// I'm totally into the suave older guy thing

// If you know what I mean

 

>> I do...

 

// YESSSSSS

 

>> But that's probably why Felicia decided to ditch me

>> I'm a lot of things, but "suave" is not one of them

 

// Okay... so an awkward grandpa... I can still dig it

 

>> OMG I'm not a grandpa!

>> I'm twenty-six!

 

// Aw! A baby Einstein!

// Still very cute.

// Can't imagine why she'd turn down the chance to smush faces with that

 

>>...

>> Wade you are so...

 

// Charming?

// Funny?

// Witty?

// Sexification given human form?

 

>> lol. Sure.

 

// I knew it!

// So what DID happen?

// Or didn't, I guess.

 

>> I don't know...Maybe...

>> Maybe I just wasn't what she was expecting?

 

// So SHE'S into sexy grandpas, got it.

 

>> NO

>> OMG Wade quit it with the grandpas

>> You're going to give me a complex

 

// Well what then?

 

>> I don't know, she seemed so... together, and glamorous

>> Maybe she was expecting me to be the same.

>> She seemed very interested in my photography at first

 

// Ooh! Smarts AND arts! Me likey!

 

>> Uh... yeah...

>> I dunno, she was flirting with me a bit, saying that she should model for me some time

>> But when I told her I mostly do landscapes, or the occasional candid shot for work, she seemed

>> Disappointed?

>> I mean it's a whole different field of expertise, you know?

>> Different lenses... lighting...

>>...

>> I... kind of missed the point, didn't I?

 

// Maybe just a little...

// That's okay though!

// I respect your devotion to your craft!

// A lot of guys probably would have taken Felicia into their dark room, put on some make out music and whipped it out

// Their camera I mean

// I don't know anything about photography

 

>> Lol

>> Obviously

>> Thanks though, I feel a little better about being so obtuse

>> It's been a long time since I've had any practice with um...

>> Y'know, dating and stuff

 

// I hear that

// I am the KING of bad decisions

// Or maybe the prime minister

// Democratically elected by a party of one

// Usually drunk me

 

>> Surprised you didn't say "the president"

 

// Canada doesn't have a president, Pete

// Imagine you being so smart and not knowing that

 

>> I did too!

>> I just didn't know you were Canadian?

 

// sniff sniff

// And I thought we were close

// JKJK we're totally besties now

 

>> Is that what we are?

 

// Unless you're saying you're ready to take that next step

// Oh Pete

// I thought you'd never ask

 

>> Oh geez

>> No, I don't think I'm there yet

 

// I'LL WAIT FOR YOU

 

>> Uh. Thanks

 

// So why is a cutie like you lookin' for love in all the wrong places?

// No hotties in the office? Best friend doesn't have a cute sister?

 

>> He doesn't.

>> And there are but...

>> I don't know, my last few relationships ended really poorly, and that always seems to complicate things in the rest of my life.

>> I just didn't want to repeat that cycle

>> This seemed like a low risk way to do things

 

// That...

 

>> Sounds pathetic?

 

// No, I was going to say that makes a lot of sense

 

// Can't blame you for not wanting to ruin the good relationships you already have

// It's like the song says

// LOVE HURTS

 

>> Oh dear

 

// LOVE SCARS

 

>> Please no

 

// LOVE WOUNDS AND MARKS

 

>> Are you going to type out the whole song???

 

// ANY HEART NOT TOUGH OF STRONG ENOUGH

 

// I mean... I could call you and sing it, if you prefer

// I've been told my singing voice is extremely adequate

 

>> I thought only grandpas used their phones as phones

 

// Well yeah.

// But I'd make an exception for you

// To put a smile on that sweet face

 

>> You would?

 

// Yeah, and I know ALL the hits

// Get some Bonnie Tyler in the mix

// Some Meatloaf

// Mmm... Meatloaf...

// You know... I think I'm getting kinda hungry, might go get a bite

 

>> Oh

>> Cool

>> Well it was nice talking to you Wade, truly

>> I'm sorry about the mix-up

>> I'll delete the number from my phone so I don't accidentally bother you in the future

 

// Or

 

>> ???

 

// You wanna meet for some meat

// loaf that is

// JK you don't have to have meatloaf they have all kinds of stuff

// I was gonna head to this all-nite and get some grub

// You could come if you wanted

// If that's not weird

// No... jkjk that's weird isn't it

// It's probably a bad idea

// Yeah the votes are in. Bad idea

// Forget I mentioned it

 

>> Oh

>>Uh... Okay

  


>> Do I have to?

 

// What's that now?

 

>> I haven't eaten yet

>> Dinner with my "bestie" sounds kind of nice, actually

 

// OMG PETEY

// I KNEW WE WERE BFFS

//YEAH OK

//You know Maxie's? On Grand?

 

>> I do, actually

>> My Aunt May loves that place

 

// A woman after my own heart

// Grandpas are all well and good but I love me a golden girl

 

>> OMG don't even joke about that

 

>> So uh... see you in like... 30-40?

>> I'm still in my work clothes... blue button down and I uh... have brown hair

>> Hm. Not the most interesting look

>> I'm starting to see why Felicia might have bailed

 

// Oh never you fear, I'm plenty interesting enough for both of us

// I'll be in a charming rouge number with a rose in my hair

 

>> Seriously?

 

// Nah. Black hoodie and ballcap

// Race ya!

 

* * *

 

 

>> Hey Wade. It's Peter

 

// I know who you are, baby boy!

// Got you here in my phone as "Grandpa in the Streets"

 

>> I'm afraid to ask what I am in the sheets

 

// Well we'll just have to find out, won't we?

 

>> Uh... maybe later.

>> I just wanted to let you know I had a lot of fun last night

>> Can't remember the last time I laughed that hard

>> Even if the waitress kept glaring daggers at us every time we started singing along with the jukebox

 

// Philistines!!!

 

>> Definitely.

 

// I'm glad you had a good time. Was worth going out to see a smile on that adorable face of yours.

 

>> Yeah?

>> Well...um. I was just thinking

>> We should do it again sometime?

>> Not Maxie's maybe. I think we're banned for life

 

// That's okay, there's plenty of places in town to get a cup of coffee

// Like my place

 

// I'm doing eyebrows at you, just so you know

 

>> Somehow I could tell???

>> That's scary...

 

>> Uh but... yeah

>> Yes

>> That sounds nice, actually

>> It's a date

 

// Aw, Pete I knew I'd win you over

// Can't wait

 


End file.
